The Green Machine

It would appear that attempting to graduate from college makes you a busy person, hence my extreme excitement for the beginning of my blog and then complete neglect the past few months. But sadly, today's post is a somber one. I lost a really important, loyal, and treasured friend this past week. I lost my iPod.

I received my mint green iPod Nano for Christmas several years ago and affectionately named him The Green Machine. Since I didn't move out of the stone ages when it comes to cellular mobile devices until September of last year, my iPod was really important to me. I've never been able to listen to the radio because commercials infuriate me and I lose my shit when I'm forced to listen to Kesha and Rihanna like the world is ending. Side note, I refuse to type Kesha's name with a "$" because she doesn't deserve it. I also had to Google how to spell Rihanna. Shoot me.

The Green Machine and I had some serious adventures together. My first epic playlist - and I mean epic - was made for the long car ride to the best spring break trip ever. Destin. Florida. Katie Riggs and I famously got yelled at several times for playing Jon Lajoie's "Show Me Your Genitals" on repeat. "DESTIN OR DIE" (because if it's not in all capitals, how will you know how good it is?) is still my best playlist of all time. It's a sad day when you've reached your peak of making playlists, but unlike Dennis Reynolds, I'm perfectly fine with admitting I've peaked. But just in this sense.

I've decided to never go back to Florida because I'm scared that even if I was riding unicorns with Jason Segel around on the beautiful beaches and he had just gotten done telling me that he wouldn't be mad at me for cheating on him with celebrities, it would still pale in comparison to that spring break trip. Unless he proposed.

I also recently started running a lot and my iPod was always my first choice for listening to "Watch the Throne" and convincing myself that if I can make it through one more mile, Kanye will totally put me in a music video and make me his main white bitch. I have to admit that I also liked to be able leave my phone at home for a long time and gauge my popularity by how many missed calls and texts I'd have when I came back. And yes, there were a "few" times where I wasn't missed by anyone.

There were so many times that I didn't treat The Green Machine like I should have. Countless times I left him in my car for hours on end without even the window cracked or a cup of water. I also made him hold terrible, terrible music for me. I went through a phase where I only listened to Sting & The Police and Rod Stewart for an entire month. AN ENTIRE MONTH.

Once, I even cheated on The Green Machine and bought an app to add my music to my phone. It was a complete waste of three dollars, which is the same price for a vodka tonic at Rocky's. My phone is also annoyingly cumbersome because it has to stay in an Otter Box since I can't be trusted to not destroy it in a drunken rage. Cumbersome doesn't fit my lifestyle.

The Green Machine is also haunting my dreams like an ex boyfriend. I wake up thinking that we're back together and frolicking in green pastures only to realize that we broke up forever and we can never speak again. Now that I think about it, The Green Machine is probably the best boyfriend I ever had.

So with that said, I am truly sorry, The Green Machine. What we had was real and you'll forever have a special place in my heart. I hope that whomever found you treats you well and also has an eclectic taste in music.